I literally could not sleep after spending so much time working. My mind was just racing. I was deliberately dwelling on myself, who I am.
Coming up was about to be the party of a lifetime. I had 3 hours of sleep and a Red Bull in the fridge. Up at 5am I chugged it down and ripped off my blankets - which of course, in the apparent fashion of Spain, were like nothing. My hotel room had 2 twin beds, and I literally had to take off the fitted sheets, my sleeping bag liner, and the top sheets just to be warm. Could I have maybe not slept naked? Maybe. I don't know why but it was just so fucking COLD!
Before I went to bed I decided to wash my clothes in the sink, but I somehow forgot that they wouldn't be dry by morning. So, I put on my brand new San Fermín clothes without underwear. Oh well! I was trying to scrub out that pesky cherry stain on my jeans especially. I think I got most of it.
Why am I the way that I am? Good intentions, genuinely baffling execution. The party coming up was about to be legendary - a Spain world cup game they were slated to play against their rivals, the Chupinazo to begin the festival, and what many would say is the ultimate party. Was I ready? Of course not. I knew I was going to fuck this up. I'm a drinker, but not a very good one. I love my beer but as soon as anything else enters my system it's straight black out time.
So I headed out. A 15 minute walk to the bus, and then a 15 minute bus to the city center. I was wide awake but everyone else was groggy as they entered the bus, while I watched it turn from empty to full of a sea of people in red and white. When I first left the hotel I felt silly. Was I wearing the right clothes? Would they make fun of me? Would I fit in? The dwelling wouldn't stop.
When I got into the city I had a single goal of getting to Plaza del Castillo, which everyone told me was the place to be. As I explored the city (it was like 6am and I had hours to go) I was stuck in awe at the narrow streets and the weird vibe of everything. I said to myself, "don't start drinking yet, you have to make it 24 hours" so I didn't. But I did down a second Red Bull and while I wasn't quite hungry because I ate a great hotel breakfast, I was many other things.
First thing was that all the caffeine made me need to poop. There were public toilets, which were called Water Closets, I guess. Giant portable structures you enter, do your business, and leave. But I didn't know if I was in the right place and there wasn't anything like a porta potty to tell you if it was occupied. I tried a few doors and I couldn't tell the difference between whether they were locked or the doors were heavy. So I waited for someone to leave, and just went into that one.
Hardly even 8am and there was piss all over the seat already. Great. And while I got ready to go I made a stark realization - there was no toilet paper. I asked AI and it said that was normal...I guess women just walk around with tissues and use those. SO WEIRD. So I didn't end up going. I sucked my poop back into my butt and left. I must have looked so fucking dumb.
This essentially began the trajectory of the rest of the day. I needed to find a place to buy wet wipes or tissues, but nothing was really open yet. So I just started aimlessly walking around until I found a TON OF people. "WOW!" I said. Suddenly I didn't have to shit anymore. But I looked around and right there was another toilet and as I walked up, a woman came over and said "necesita papeles?" - and I think she may have been an angel. I took my shit, checked my map and found out I wasn't in Plaza del Castillo. I was in Plaza Consistorial or whatever - the absolute center of the party. And I was in the fucking middle of it.
So with 3 hours to go, I started drinking. I bought 3 huge beers and got to work. Then, I bought 3 more. And I weaseled my way to the center of it all, and the vibes were high. Football chants were going crazy. One thing I started to notice was the masculine energy. There were NO FUCKING WOMEN anywhere near me. Men were spraying Sangria everywhere. It hadn't even started yet and shirts turned from white to purple with stains and the jumping was happening. I kept looking around like...wow. I was really there.
11am was when shit started going nuts. It went from a pretty big pack to absolutely stuffed. Then 11:30 and you couldn't move in any direction. Sangria covered my eyes and I couldn't see, completely blind. Pushed in one direction, then another, and back to another.
Then it was 11:55. Anxiety was everywhere. People around me looked nervous. What the fuck was about to happen? As the clock kept getting closer this girl was asking for someone to help her tie her shoe so I spread the mob of people and put her foot on my leg and her friend tied it. Then they pointed at me: y tú? Y tú??? I guess my shoes were untied also.
This caused a chain reaction. 12 struck and the crowd LOST ITS FUCKING SHIT. The sky went red with liquid and screaming was so loud it was like everything stopped for a second. I kept getting pushed but people were stepping on my laces and I couldn't hold myself. DISCULPA!!! DISCULPAAAA!!! I KEPT YELLING IT. It was insanity!!! Then the girls held me up and I yelled TE AMO!!! MI AMORRRRRRRR because they tied both shoes through the crowd. Whoever they were - friends for life. I was fucking hammered and now it began.
More of the same. Pushing, screaming. Sangria. Chanting. Yelling. Smiling. Inflatable balls everywhere. Flags strewn across a sea of people. Music. Crowd surfing. Falling. Screaming. Hurting. Chaos. Just chaos. Just the absolute epitome of insanity happening in front of me. I had never seen anything like it.
Eventually it got to a point where people started spreading out to go parading. I joined in, stumbling like a fool. I was too drunk, too early. Too damn drunk. I was grateful. I could not stand to be pressed against a wet and sweaty man's back for another moment. Sangria was so fucking sticky.
As I left with the crowd I needed to figure out what to do next. And I don't really know what I did next, but I know I bought more beer. And I yelled at a guy who said I was a man. And I drank someone's water I found on the ground.
This was the caveat of being me. I love drinking and partying...but I can't handle myself. I fall asleep early. Or if I don't, I get in some kind of bad experience. Nothing bad per se happened, but I was fucking cooked. I told myself to have a siesta. Why not? Still like 20 hours to go. I wanted to make it to the world cup.
I went through a phase of finding a shady spot to sleep, getting bothered by these fucking men who wouldn't fucking LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, getting more beer, then falling back asleep. This continued until about 7pm. Whether it was someone trying to sell me something or someone trying to grope me against a tree, I was over it. I wasn't going to make it.
I stumbled to the bus stop. My phone was dead, my external charger was dead. I was dead. It was time to pack it up. I wasn't going to make it. I got in a negative mood about myself, back to the dwelling. But I wasn't really in a bad mood. It wasn't all bad. I partied my ass off. It was a riot. I had a once in a lifetime experience. I was happy. I didn't do it all, but I did it.
I was happy to be sitting in the shower at the hotel. I had to go. The me that I am was never going to make it. But the me that I am showed up. The question then became whether or not I was going to run with the bulls. Despite it being the entire point of being there, the masculine, manly energy of all of San Fermín had put me off. I didn't quite belong. I felt like an outsider. I felt like I would just be happy spectating.
So I went to bed. Spain won their match, by the way.