There is an art to not liking yourself (myself). It starts with a deep, guttural hatred you try to drown out every day until it becomes so abhorrent, so dramatically obtuse that you have to do something about it…and then you do. Suddenly you’re going to the gym to get stronger or to lose weight, you’re worrying about calories, you’re finding outfits that flatter your body shape, you’re putting your heart on the line, getting lip tint and filler, getting lashes, trying on jewelry, trying to change your living situation, working hard, making new things…
It just sort of cascades, doesn’t it?
I don’t like myself. Like, at all. Not even a little. I know who I am enough to know that I am stuck with myself and no amount of new clothes or good times will change it.
So we do what we can.
My life, in general, is a constant series of learning why people don’t do the things I’m trying to do. Learning lessons the hard way and somehow persevering through and acting like I deserve a cookie for taking the road less traveled despite the easier option being available all of the time. But that’s just how I am.
In 2024 I had the last of my money left and decided I wanted to open a business. Not to make money, but to have a place to drink and make friends and hang out that was mine. And I had that, but it actually made so little money that I ended up working way harder than I wanted to, up to the point that I had no apartment and nowhere to go, and not even a dollar to my name.
So I sold my assets and put them into building a bus to live in. I could have just got an apartment, but I didn’t. Because I am a stupid fucking idiot, which is neither here nor there. I took everything I had and in 10 days I gutted and built a bus into a livable home, which was great for all of 1 day until I realized I still had no money, nowhere to put it, and then just as quickly as I finished it, it stopped running.
I lived in that bus for 7 months, and it was good until the bugs started coming in and there was nothing I could do about it, which I’ll probably deep dive into in another post. It eventually got to the point where I was getting eaten alive by bugs at night and dreading going home, with nowhere else to go. So in the natural fashion of how I do things, I took the nuclear option and got rid of the bus and moved everything I own into a hotel.
It has been less than easy being me. I can’t help it. I don’t know why I am the way I am. I fear commitment in any form and act like a feral animal backed into a corner any time I have to do anything that even resembles it. I just am this way.
Through all of this I’ve just been working my ass off. In 3 years I’ve been working so hard and not all of it has been fruitful. I am just constantly busy, trying things, pushing things. And it doesn’t help that my idea of having fun is also WORK. WHO DOES THAT WHY
I’m very tired but I can’t stop. I woke up this morning and I was like, “I’m going to write a blog!” which sounds simple but it isn’t. I had to go ahead and buy a domain and set up a docker container and set up the proxy host and put it on the web and check the security and design a theme…it isn’t normal I know it isn’t normal but it’s just the way I am!
Working towards walking the Camino de Santiago. 3 months. I can do this. Maybe?
The real question is whether I have anything to gain from anything at all. I don’t really have any dreams at the moment. Make enough money so I can get new clothes some times and eat lots of sushi, and then have time to make things I want to make. I guess that’s a dream.
But it would be a lot easier if I liked myself.
34 years old and I’m blogging like a child on Tumblr. It feels good. I’ll probably use this blog to cry about things in real life and also document my projects and things. I will try to avoid being dramatic or affecting relationships in real life, something I have not been successful at in the past.
So if you’re more a technical person and you find it interesting, this is:
-A Ghost Blog
-In a docker container
-Behind nginx proxy manager
Nothing fancy. And I set it up in less than an hour, with the bulk of that time being setting up this annoyingly minimalist theme.
My biggest projects at the moment are my clients, with my sim software coming in 2nd. There’s a lot going on. We’ll cover it in another post. My goal here for this blog is to just document these things as I do them and talk about the grips of being such a certifiably manic person with no real way to address it other than to just keep living my life until I’m not anymore.
See you soon.